The Things My Kids Have Said...

The things that come out of my children’s mouths… seriously. Sometimes I’m shocked, stunned, trying not to laugh, or crying deep down inside. For anyone who has a child or comes upon one like my daughter (no stranger/no filter) you understand the things they come up with are very… unexpected. Here’s a list of just some of the off the wall things my kids have said to me. Enjoy! Let’s start with my son and when he made me feel old as dirt. As a little backstory, I was 31 years old at the time and also starting to realize just how quickly your body and health starts to decline after 30. To help drive home this point, let’s pretend you just hit thirty and you are a vehicle. All your check engine lights start to come on, random bruises, headaches, diabetes or blood pressure issues, just random mishaps, and you have no idea what’s going on. So, I was having a mommy movie night with my kids, and we were watching Moana 2 (as soon as it came out on Disney). All 3 of us loved it, my daughter was 3 years old and a huge fan of the first movie. My son was 8 years old and loved it too, asking as soon as it went off, if they were planning to make a third movie. I googled it, and they said production was in the works and the next movie was expected in 7 years. As soon as I got the words out my mouth, his jaw dropped, “Are you still going to be alive by then!?”. Woah, dude, I sure hope so… I mean I’m starting to realize I’m getting older, but ouch. I’m not ancient! I was stunned and called my parents and husband who was at work. You can bet after the movie went off it was bedtime, ‘granny’ here needed some sleep. So, let’s skip to my daughter, who has no shame whatsoever, and whose mouth has no filter. Her vocabulary is very eclectic, full of old insults like dingus, and the very random/correctly used dumb@ss. She is a very tough little girl, blunt, and can be as mean as a snake. When this event happened, I was now 32 years old and 5 months pregnant with her little brother Richard. We were on the way home from the doctors, she just had two shots for her four-year-old checkup. She didn’t flinch, cry, or show out at all… later pulling the Band-Aids off by herself, no issues. I was driving fast down the long back roads hoping to stop by my mother’s house for a quick nap, and my daughter was talking my ear off the whole way. Piper- “I’m pregnant!” Me- “Um no ma’am, I am. With your little brother. You’ve got a veerrrrrryyyy long time before that. Not to mention, I haven’t even saved the money up yet to bail your father out of jail when you eventually do say that…”, (he is a DADD... dad against daughter dating and will not take that sitting down). Piper- “No, I’m pregnant.” *Quiet for a few seconds* “I’m in college!” Me- “What do you mean!? You’re in 4K, you just started school! You’ve got a lot of years until we get there honey.” (I just finished taking classes for Medical Billing and Coding with HGTC, so that might be where she got the idea) Piper- “Can I drive home?” Me- “You know you can’t drive home, you aren’t old enough, can’t reach the pedals, and don’t have a license.” Piper- “You can’t drive either Mama.” I stopped talking at this point. Yes, I am aware that my driving sometimes borders endangering circumstances... I am a female and had no comeback for that. I’ve been through my fair share of wrecks and vehicles. She was awfully quiet after this, and five minutes later I looked in the backseat to see her fast asleep. Then there was another time. My mother drove to pay the water bill one time, and Piper was along for the ride in the backseat. Mom drives up to the window, and hands over the money to the woman at the desk. She gets her change and receipt a minute or so later and is given a red sucker for my daughter. The woman waves through the car window at her and Piper says, “Thank you!” when she is handed the sucker. “You’re welcome, have a great day!”, the nice woman says back. “You too!”, my mother chimes in as she starts to drive off. Piper yells, “She didn’t mean it!”, and the woman’s face starts to look confused as my mother picks up the speed hoping the woman didn’t hear my child. Embarrassing. Why my child said this, or where she even got it from, I have no idea. Poor mom. Finally, I think I should mention her tricycle. She rides it as fast as she can around the kitchen in my house. One day, she hooked up a long strap with hooks on both ends to the back of her tricycle and her mini doll house. She was pulling it behind her in the kitchen, like a tow truck, at full speed. My son goes to walk around the corner into the kitchen and stops in front of the fridge getting in her way. She slams on the brakes and says, “Move Nate!”. He proceeds to get a drink out the fridge and moves out of the way, still leaving the fridge door open. She huffs in aggravation, kicking the door shut while still on her trike. “That was stupid!”. When my husband walks by a second later she stops beside him, looks up and says, “Nate is a dumbass.” And drives off. Leaving him looking at me confused as to what just happened. Yeah, kids have no chill with what comes out of their mouths. My son insults my driving on the daily, now followed up by my daughter. He has called me old. She calls him a dingus and fights back and forth with him on the daily. This has merely scratched the surface. For anyone else with kids out there, you can do this! I applaud your efforts! Being a parent sometimes can be a challenge, but the little ‘I love you’ moments make up for every strange comment they make. Pray for me, and I’ll pray for you. These kids are something.

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